i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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