im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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