I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
