I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
