I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
