I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
