Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
