sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
