whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
