When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
