i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
