Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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