Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
