I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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