Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
