You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
