This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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