I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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