if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need to sanitize my soul.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
