My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
