There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
