my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
