I think im going to throw up on grandma
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
