Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
