chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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