Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
