girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
