Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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