so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
