my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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