3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?