You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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