god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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