I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
