Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
