Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
