Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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