so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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