If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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