last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
