Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
