I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize