After last night, I could never be a politician.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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