She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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