I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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