Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
