my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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