for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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