i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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