He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
