I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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