i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
