you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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