We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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