This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
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Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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