yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
