when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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