I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
