Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
