come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
