got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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