Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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