Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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