My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
