Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
